Log in

No account? Create an account

All she wants to do is dance, dance, dance...

Recent Entries

Journal Info

My Myspace



August 2nd, 2008


I haven't written in here in nearly two months. I've been blogging regularly on myspace...but they're minor daily updates. A lot has been going on...and none of it has been good. I'm going through depression again...I've known most of my friends on here for about five years...some even longer...and it's no secret I've had an extensive history with depression. Most people don't know the specifics and it's not worth going into. I've tried talking to my close offline friends in the past, but they don't exactly have the mental maturity to listen to me. And it's become relatively evident that very few people care about my emotional well being and mental health. It's not me being selfish or imaging things...people really just don't care...and by "people," I am mainly referring to my family.

I've had huge problems with my brother for several years now. Over the past year, it has gotten worse...fast. We no longer speak. When we do, we aren't speaking, we're yelling. I cannot stand the sight of him. And in case it isn't obvious, this is the basis for my depression. Over the past week, I've cried everyday, several times a day. I've not been eating. I'm up all night and sleep many hours during the day. I feel nauseous and have bad headaches. I have very little interest in anything. Seems silly to think I believed I would never have to go through this again after the last time when I handled everything properly and did everything I was supposed to do.

Anyway, the biggest fight between us came a few weeks ago. My brother volunteered to clean the pool this summer. I asked him to clean it and he said he would the next day, but not before asking my mom why I couldn't clean it. The next day, he comes home, says he had a really really bad day and wasn't gonna do it...then rushed off to be with his friends. He came home, my mom told him that he had to clean it every week. He said, "Not gonna happen. Maybe the person who, you know, doesn't really do much during the day can do it." Naturally, he was referring to me. So my mother, who just told him he had to clean it, says, "Well, maybe you two can work something out." This was not a one time thing. My entire family is under the impression that I don't do anything and that being a full time student is not the equivalent of having a job. I may not sit in a classroom for eight hours a day, but between classes and homework, I work equally as much and hard as people with jobs. I don't sit around all day eating bon bons. No one gets it. School isn't something to pass my time with...it's hard work. I realize I don't have school during the summer, but that's how things are. I can't force the school to stay open all summer. I'm in college and college students have summers off. But even when I'm in school, no one thinks of it as work. It's always, "She can do it, she doesn't have a job," "You get home early, you can do it." I'm seldom asked...it's just assumed that I have the time. During the summer, yes, I have more time, but that shouldn't exempt my brother from chores. He's not home during the day so he doesn't know what I do and don't do. I unload the dishwasher, I make ice daily, I clean the bathroom, I take out garbage. On the weekends, when he doesn't work and my parents are away at the beach house, his dishes are piled up in the sink and he doesn't take out his recycling garbage. Then I have to listen to my father when they come home, asking me if the stuff is mine. I'm sorry, but a glass you used to drink water with does not need to soak before getting washed. Come on, now. So that just really pissed me off...especially since he doesn't pay rent or bills or anything like that. Besides, my parents work over eight hours a day...and still come home and do things...so why can't he? I'll tell you. Because his friends take priority over his family and he needs to run out with them every night. And what really takes the cake is my mom often comes home and asks what I did all day. This all just turned into a huge fight...I was mad at both him and my mother. He proceeded to tell me that I'm a violent person...meanwhile, two months ago, I was woken up at 6 AM because he was pounding the walls because he didn't want to go to work. As things progressed, I told him he's got problems and the way he treats and talks to people is unacceptable and hurtful. He informed me that words are just words and don't mean anything so they shouldn't hurt my feelings. I asked him why he bothered talking if words have no meaning. He had no response.

The next fight came last week...my mom's company is relocating. She'll have a job at another location but almost everyone else will no longer have a job. It was supposed to happen at the end of the year, but it's now happening in 2 months. She got the phone call and started telling my brother about it, since he works there. My father and I were there, and we weren't intentionally interrupting, but we were making comments. My brother then shouts, "Excuse me, can the people who work at D&R finish their conversation?" That was our fault...we forgot that the warehouse elite were the only ones permitted to speak. He proceeded to call us rude, which just left my dad and I howling with laughter, as all he does is boss everyone around and degrade everyone. The kicker--the day before, he asked me if I wanted to go to the laundromat with him because our washer was broken. He is only nice to his family when he wants something from us. All I could do is stare at him when he asked. Thank God I didn't go, as I would have been kicking myself after this fight if I had gone. And of course, when my brother tells my mom to come into another room so they can talk, she runs right after him. Her head is so far up his ass, I don't know how she can breathe. So I was telling him off and making comments to my mother as well. He goes, "You don't have to have an attitude with her." He loves to play martyr when he's not the one fighting with her. I said, "You don't have to get an attitude with any of us and yet...." He's always accusing me of having an attitude with him, when he's the one who starts with an attitude. He acted all righteous, saying, "We're trying to have an emotional conversation here." I told him that wasn't possible since he has no emotions.

I went upstairs, crying to Matt. We went out so I could cool off...and my mom said hello to him. He said, "Hey," in a quiet manner, and she didn't hear him and assumed he was ignoring her...which he planned on doing but unintentionally responded. This pissed her off. She's always pissed off when people take someone else's side over hers. Like he's really supposed to want to have a chummy conversation with her. So instead of letting her and my brother get to me any more than they already had, I just had fun with him, which pissed her off even more and she spent the night slamming and banging everything like a toddler. The next day, my father noticed I only took out my garbage. I told him I've been doing that as well as only unloading my dishes from the dishwasher. He told me that's childish. I asked him if he thought it was childish to leave your sibling to clean everything while your parents are away and if it was childish to not make your son do chores. He told me he stays out of it and doesn't want to get involved...uhhhhhh...then why bother telling me something is childish if you don't even care?

So I've had these family problems for a long time...they've just been getting worse. And I guess it's finally taken its toll. I know there are people out there who would undoubtedly say, "Don't let it get to you." That would be fine if I had no emotions. It's not easy living in a house with a sibling who dislikes you and your parents for no reason whatsoever. It's not easy having parents who rely on you to do everything and pressure you to finish school while their son is working in a warehouse and aspires to someday work at Dunkin' Donuts, just because his best pal works there. It's not easy having to pick up the slack because your parents are unwilling to put their foot down and make their son help out, claiming they "can't make him do anything." It's not easy watching your parents be used for money, food and housing when your sibling verbally abuses the family. It's not easy to put off studying for a test you have the next day when your brother is arrested and in jail and you need to comfort your mother. And it's not easy being the one your parents whine and complain to because they're two big pansies who can't tell their son to cut the crap.

I'm pissed over the fact that I'll not only have to go to school this fall, but see ANOTHER counselor. I'm petrified that I won't be able to get my work done. It probably sounds ridiculous with my history, but I really thought I'd never have to go through this again. And I don't want to sound like a child, but it's really not fair. I'm going through depression for what, the fourth or fifth time? I should be able to finish school, start a job and get married without having to be depressed over something so damn ridiculous. It shouldn't be happening...at all.

When I was younger...I always wanted to move away when I grew up. Of course, a few years ago, I met Matt, knew I was going to be with him forever, and thought I'd want to be around my family forever. It's not like NJ isn't a great place to live, I just don't like the cold winters. But that's changed. When I finish school, I'm moving away. I'm not going to be around people who have no respect for themselves and allow someone to constantly degrade them and their other child. It's not a healthy environment and I refuse to be a part of it. I'd love to live in Miami or Pensacola...and if that's what I want to do, why shouldn't I if that's what would make me happy? I wanted to take care of my parents when they got older...you owe your parents that. But they're not being responsible or mindful of how things affect me...so what is there to repay? They can rely on my brother's nights at the toll booth to support them. There's gonna come a time when I will have a "real" job and won't live at home anymore...so we'll see how many chores their fabulous son does and how many of his own bills he pays.

June 12th, 2008


How I could have forgotten to mention this is beyond me. Above anything else that happened this past weekend, the worst was on Friday night. We came back from the beach and Matt and I went out to dinner. The parking lot is gravel, and the sections are divided by big logs all lined up together to form a barrier. So we get in the car to go, and he puts it in drive, and as we're about to go over the log, I screamed, "Watch out, there's a log right there!" but it was too late. I kind of assumed that he saw it when we parked because it's what keeps you from pulling up too far, but obviously he didn't. He blamed the fog, which was above eye level so I didn't buy it, but whatev. A group of people were outside, saw it, and came over to help move it. Of course I'm thinking, "Yeah right," but tried to help nonetheless. One of them says, "The strongest one should help us," and I'm already irritated at this point, and I said, "Well he's stronger than me, but I can use both arms, he only has one good arm to us, it's better for me to help push." Now don't you think we know that the stronger person should help? We're not idiots. And Matt is stronger, but I'm not a weakling. You aughta see my muscles, ha! Just as I thought, pushing did not help. The car was draped over this log and the front wheels weren't even on the ground. Then I got really mad when one woman starting going on saying, "How could you not see that?! I don't understand how you couldn't see that?" Matt's too nice to say something, and typically, I am too...but I was pissed and I let her know it: "Obviously you've never had any sort of accident in your life, which has been what, 50 years? But if and when you do, perhaps you won't be so quick to criticize people, though I doubt it." She was clearly younger than 50, but if you wanna offend a woman, telling her she looks older than her age is almost a guaranteed offense.

Matt went inside to get the address of the place, and comes out with four men who work there. I didn't even attempt to help them, knowing I'd probably be pushed out of the way but surprise, they couldn't move the car. So Matt calls AAA, and in less than an hour, someone was there. He was very nice but he seemed stoned or something...and the smoke from his cigarettes was really unpleasant and impossible to avoid. He pulled the car back over the log and all that was really damaged was this plastic thing under the bumper that fell off. Of course, I told Matt to have it taken care of as soon as possible, though it's not a necessity to the car, but it'll undoubtedly be months before he even tries to get it taken care of. It's his car, he can do with it what he pleases.

One more thing...I'm trying to find the cord for my camera. It's not at the computer where I normally keep it, but hopefully I'll find it soon.

June 11th, 2008

Oh whateva!

While I was away this weekend, I was reading through my journal...I read about several other horror experiences I had in Wildwood. This weekend was no exception...and I made sure to write about it. I had fun, I always do...but it wasn't without its share of trouble.

Within two hours of arriving, I was in tears. Of course, everyone gets mad at me for being upset, and really, what else is new? Here's what happened. Matt and I stay with my parents in a three bedroom motel room. It's a lovely place, owned and run by a nice family. Few people from our drum corps stay there. Almost everyone else stays in another motel two blocks away, but I digress. Our motel is more of a family place. Anyway, evidently one of the families made a comment to my parents about me that got way under my skin. My mom tells me, shortly after Matt and I got there, that "Ed said to tell Christine and her boyfriend to cool it when they're in the pool." I never play dumb and I literally had no clue what she was talking about. She said that his daughter and her son were swimming with us last year and her son asked her what we were doing. Again, I had no clue what she was talking about. Apparently, we appeared inappropriate, which is beyond my realm of understanding. What Matt and I have ever done in public pools consists of the following: Hugs, quick kisses, and giving one another piggy back rides. The only time I ever swim in public pools is at hotels, and last year was the first time he and I were in one together. Our total public pool swims is totaled at about 4. I do nothing inappropriate in public. I don't care to see people groping and making out in public...it's disgusting and I think it's better suited for private moments. No one wants to see things like that, especially when there are children around. Furthermore, although my parents both assert that he was "mostly kidding around," I'm not inclined to believe it. My parents know me better than that and if I'm not there to defend myself, you'd think one's parents would say, "I don't know what you thought you saw, but my son/daughter does not act like that." But then, the day my parents defend me is the day fish talk. So of course, they get all mad at me for being irritated instead of acknowledging what the real problem was. Lastly, there are two pools at the motel...if you're not big enough to confront me about something, move to the other pool...and instead of relaying a message to me through my parents, just go to the other pool if and when you see us swimming. Thankfully, when Matt and I were swimming Sunday, the guy and his family were there as well. Without even thinking about it, I swam over to give Matt a hug, and he said loud enough to be in earshot of them, "Be careful, we don't want to do anything inappropriate." I just laughed.

So that fiasco was Friday...Saturday came and my dad assured me several times that our corps was going to be in the first group. So Matt and I left early enough to get there before the parade started...we found a spot but ended up moving after a few minutes. Before leaving, I put sunblock on the back of my neck and ears. And I put on my makeup, which claims to have an SPF, which is a crock. Because we were only staying long enough to see the first group, there was no need to put sunblock on my face. So we're there...and we're waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Of course, they're in the last group. More than halfway through the parade, I saw that I was getting red and put the sunlock on. I had worn a shirt with short sleeves and pants...but I stupidly rolled up both. By the time I got the sunblock on, the damage was done. My forehead is now peeling...I look horrible. My arms and legs are still red, but they're getting better and should be even better tomorrow. Argh. Best part--my father didn't even do the parade! He was complaining about gas pains that morning but was doing to do the parade anyway. While sitting there, all of a sudden, I see him across the street walking towards the end of the parade. We both met up with my mom and I asked what was wrong. His pain was worse and he couldn't do it. He gets this more than once a month. I've had this kind of pain two or three times in the past 2 years. It's not serious, but it's painful. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Usually, you throw up on your own but last time, I had to make myself...and I was better. But when you get it as often as he does, I think it's time to see a doctor. Everyone told him to, but he's too stubborn.

Saturday night came. I had a bunch of cosmos and had a blast dancing. I even got the party pooper to dance with me a couple of times. I was a little sick the next morning, but it was nothing serious. Matt and I were both in so much pain and it was so hot and we were so tired, we didn't really wanna do anything. But we decided to play golf. We tried a new place infested with annoying gnats, so we're not going back there, but it was still fun. We've played a few times before and this was the first time he beat me. I did help guide him a lot though, so I take some of the credit, hehe. I was happy for him He beat me by like 5 strokes too...how embarassing! Then we go to an ice cream place where he got some for himself and my parents. Of course, they don't give us covers, so we have to drive home with open ice cream. I could have held all three, but he insisted on driving with one on his lap. Naturally, the wheel gets covered with ice cream, which had to be cleaned up...and naturally, I don't say anything to him about it because he'll just tell me it wasn't because it was on his lap, but for some reason entirely different.

So those were some of the highlights of the weekend. I have some pictures to post when I get home from Matt's. So until then...adios!

June 6th, 2008


I'm so ready to party! In a couple of hours, Matt and I will be leaving for Wildwood. It's the party weekend down there, over half the hotels have huge parties. When my cousin and I used to go down, we'd go to several of them and stick with whoever had the best music. No one knows whether or not you belong at their hotel so I'd get free beer and whatnot...of course, I mainly went for the dancing. Now, we stick around at the hotel where the rest of our group stays. My parents are on their way down there now--it's a shorter drive from here so Matt and I go separately. I know, who wants to party with their parents, right? I don't hang around them--they're busy talking to all their friends...I'm busy trying to find a second to take a break from dancing so I can run to the bathroom.

The weather is supposed to be beastly hot this weekend. It's very usual for early June. I'm worried about anyone doing the parade tomorrow...the hotter it is, the more people faint. It's not a short parade, I've done it over a dozen times, and it's when it's hot, it feels longer. However, it is the shore, which tends to be a little cooler and the parade runs just a block away from the beach where a breeze will hopefully be coming off of. And, I will be sitting on the sidelines with a spray bottle for anyone who needs a squirt.

Matt and I offered to get all the alcohol our hotel would need. My father gave me the list and we got most of it a couple of weeks ago. We go into Deleware, which is only about 15 minutes from Matt's house, where there's no tax, so we saved them a load of money...even though I'm sure you're not really supposed to do things like that (buy out of state and bring it back,) but that's not going to stop anyone, including us.

Anyway, I'm super excited...I've been waiting for this weekend for months...it took forever to get here. School was insanely hard and stressful this semester...and I just finished a three week summer session yesterday. I'm ready for some fun!

EDITI just checked my summer grade and I got an A!!! Mucho happy!

May 11th, 2008


Survivor concludes tonight. Can we all say "Worst final four ever"? I've never chosen to not watch the finale...this is a first. Luckily, this gives me the opportunity to do a paper that's already nearly a week late.

My annoyances aside, I'd like to wish Stephanie a Happy Mother's Day. I hope it was a lovely one!

May 1st, 2008

Can anyone explain to me how it's possible to dance competitively for over 10 years, win numerous competitions for dance routines that require balance and precision, and still be one of the most ungraceful people on earth? I used to toe dance, for crying out loud! I sprained my ankle today...badly. The saddest part is that I've experienced this so many times, I'm able to tell paramedics that it isn't broken, without them even having to look. If I had a penny for all the times I've twisted my feet, my parents wouldn't be paying my college tuition. I fall down more than a toddler just learning how to walk. I think it's time to consider changing my middle name to "Injured."

April 27th, 2008


This is my last full week of school for the semester. I have 4 papers to write and I'm super nervous. I registered today for a class that I'm taking in May. It's three weeks, Monday through Thursday, with the exception of Memorial Day...it's 11 classes total. It fills two requirements, so I'm technically getting two courses out of the way. After this course, I believe I will have 12 left...I'm so close to being done, I can't stand it!

Adam won BB tonight! EEEK! I'm so happy for him! When does anyone from NJ ever win a reality show?! Matt and I decided we're gonna drive to Cherry Hill (which is near Matt's house) to find him...can't be that hard, right?

March 27th, 2008

Damn mapquest!

I admit it...I have no sense of direction. However, I have gotten a lot better with them over the past couple of years. I called the doctor on Monday because I haven't had my period since November, when I took prescription pills that brought it on. I always feel like it's coming, and it never does. I finally made an appointment to find out what's wrong. The appointment was for yesterday and Tuesday I was out shopping and decided I would drive by the hospital to see if I still remembered how to get the doctor's office. I got off the highway and there was all this construction and of course, no detours. By some miracle, I found my way to the right road where the hospital was, found the office and made my way back home without any trouble. I asked my mom if she knew of another way to go, and she wasn't sure. I went online, looked for an alternate route on mapquest.com and printed directions, thinking I'd be fine. My appointment was for 3:10...I left at 2:40...at 3:05, I was going over the George Washington Bridge into NYC, hysterical crying. I called the office and told them I was lost. A woman connected me to a voice automated direction line that was of no help whatsoever. I called again saying I was lost and the direction line did not help. She connected me AGAIN to the same line. I called a final time to cancel--it was a different woman this time who was ridiculously rude and kept shouting at me. I got home and rescheduled for next week. I'll find the right way to go before then. For the record, it was not my fault. I followed the directions--I can always follow directions. They were simply wrong. So now, it's another week of worrying and stressing over what could be wrong with me. No one seems concerned and everyone keeps saying I'll be fine and it's nothing serious. For my sake, I hope they're right.

March 5th, 2008

(no subject)

Where do you draw the line between being honest and hurtful? If you're aware of someone's insecurities, is it necessary to make them feel bad about themselves? I'm sick of myself as it is. I feel like I'm the ugliest human being on this planet. The thought of looking in the mirror or worse, leaving my house is daunting. Imagine, if you will, feeling this way...and having a member of your immediate family make you feel twenty times worse. Am I really that horrible to look at? Maybe I'm actually underestimating how dreadful my appearance is. What's more, when my feelings get hurt, I'm told, "I didn't mean it like that!" Sure you didn't. And when it comes down to it, why the fuck does it matter what I look like? If I had high hopes of being a model or actress, then I could see where my appearance would be of some importance. However, I'm a young woman going to school to pursue teaching. I wish I could be a lot of things for a lot of people, but I'm not. I wish people would be happy with who I am and just accept me for that. Fabulous, here come the tears. School is my life. I've been in college forever and I'm sick of it. If I'm not writing a paper, I'm reading a 350 page novel that needs to be read in 3 days. If I'm not reading, I'm responding to discussion board posts about poetry I don't even understand or give a hoot about. I simply do not have the time to work out 3 hours a day. I wish I could...I don't mind exercising at all. It makes me feel good. I cannot do it. No one understands how hard school is...all I hear is, "She doesn't work, she just goes to school...she can do it." I honestly just wish I was an entirely different person with an entirely different life. I know no one wants to hear me complaining...I hate that I do it so much on here...but when this is how things are, what else is there to talk about?

February 20th, 2008


*Sigh* I know I can't please everyone...but how about anyone? Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up a self centered bitch and then no one else will even matter to me.

Powered by LiveJournal.com